psychological abuse

‘Why did I fall so hard?’

~ Patricia Tsouros ~ Leave a comment

emotional-abuse

The Psychological Abuse I experienced is the nemesis for my poetry and my book which is nearly completed for publication. I also write a blog and opinion pieces on emotional abuse. Below is my latest article published in The Journal.ie today in light of the legislation explaining why making Coercive Control a criminal offense in Ireland is so Significant.

The French criminalized “psychological violence” as have the British and now Ireland has joined ranks with the passage of the Domestic Violence Bill 2017 through the Houses of the Oireachtas to include coercive control” within intimate relationships as a crime. This has to be one of the most significant pieces of legislation to come before the Oireachtas this year.

Coercive control is often talked about as if it is a mild form of domestic violence, which is a mistake. Emotional abuse is devastating and can often be more traumatic than physical wounds. Bruises and broken bones eventually heal and may leave scars, but emotional trauma stays with you and shapes who you are as a person. It leaves an indelible injury, one that is not as visible, but physically affects and damages the brain.

The Department of Justice released a press release in which they state “The new offense of coercive control sends a clear, consistent message that non-violent control in an intimate relationship is criminal. The effect of such behavior may be as harmful to victims as physical abuse because it is an abuse of the unique trust associated with an intimate relationship.”

Coercive control creates the psychological conditions that allow abusive relationships to exist and to escalate often with devasting and in some cases fatal consequences. It is, in fact, the foundation stone on which abusive relationships are built. If a someone hit you, you wouldn’t go home with them however the nature of emotional abuse is that victim does not know it’s happening to them until they are stuck under the thumb of the abuser in a surreal existence.

I was one of those who suffered this form of mental violence, and it ravaged my life. What I remember most about emotional abuse is that it felt like I was in a tumble dry cycle; – hurled around, hitting against the sides of the drum, erratically lacerated, mangled, being knocked and jolted about some more, not knowing how bloody long the cycle would continue for or where the next blow would come from. Then suddenly, intermittently, the cycle stops. I would curl up, become smaller, quieter, detach from my feelings, eliminate people and interest from my life in an attempt to slow down the drum roll, to ease the pain of the abuse. But no matter what I did, it never stopped. And with the end of the relationship, the persecution intensified. This is a common trait amongst abuser. They become even more vindictive and offensive when their victim attempts to leave or fight back. That is why this bill is so important it offers a safe place in which to take the perpetrator to task on the abuse.

The ponderous thought that remains with me is why. Why did I doggedly trust and believe him? Why did I get sucked in so deeply? Why did I fall so hard? Why did I make myself so vulnerable to him? But that’s the trick of the abuser. You don’t see or feel that your brain is being punched and battered, however, had I been physically boxed or hit I would have understood the abuse and would have run from him as fast as I could.

It was 2012, and without any legal recourse at that stage, the essence of my healing – my validation – was to write a blog about my experience. I saw my reality reflected in other women who emerged from the depths of such darkness. Seeing myself in their stories and without any legal recourse available, it allowed me to name my experience as an emotionally abused woman. Psychological violence is hard to define and hard to police, but this piece of legislation removes the ambiguity of this form of abuse and firmly recognizes it as damaging and dangerous. Identifying psychological abuse as a crime makes this is a powerful piece of legislation, in advancing women’s rights, and indeed the rights of anyone suffering from domestic violence.

Patricia Tsouros writes a blog on emotional abuse to inform and help families, and friends to understand the complexities of such a relationship, the trauma victims suffer and provide an insight to better help and support the victim.

It’s a Rap is my story of emotional abuse.

Please follow the blog for latest on book release and special launch offer.

My Home

~ Patricia Tsouros ~ Leave a comment

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If I had a serious illness, my phone would ring, my friends would call around, bring me lots of comforts and inspirational comments to help me cope and believe in my survival of the disease encompassing my body. But losing my life to deceit, my whole world falling apart, losing my home, my sanctuary, my peace of mind does not extract the same care or sympathy, or compassion. But I can tell you I am on the same pathway of suffering and pain. My home is no longer my prerogative. I did not ask for this, I did not plan for this, it came to me like a silent bullet. What makes a physical illness different to my position is that no one can openly see it.

So what is my position?

In a split moment on a Wednesday evening, I find that KBC Bank is going to the courts to take a repossession order on my home. A disclosure that rocked me to my core. Emotional Abuse ends in many ways. The mortgage payments were not being fulfilled unbeknownst to me resulting in the repossession order, and it was presented to me as a fete comply.    

The scars from mental cruelty are profound and probably more long-lasting than wounds from punches or slaps but are not seen or recognized as a broken arm, or black eye is.  Often my narration of my experiences has been denied, trivialized, or distorted. The wounds of my heart and the scars on my mind are bottomless. Now the potential of losing my home is the hardest punch of all.   My connection to my home is the first thread in my life. My home is part of my self-definition, my identity,  it defines the line between me and my surroundings, it is my shrine of peace.  It’s more than a sheltering roof and embracing walls. It is the core of my being, my soul, my lifeblood. I always have been a home bird. Travel has been a big part of my life mostly due to work and at the core of those days was knowing I would return to the soulfulness of my home.  So losing my home is not about bricks and mortar, it’s about my soul.  

There are many descriptions of the soul and here is mine.  My soul senses the force; that animates my thoughts, words, and actions. It is the wisdom that shapes this animating force into patterns of experience. In the depths of my home, my soul is still and boundless. It flows in a countless variety of emotions and thoughts that glue my mind to my body, my body to my home and my home to my life. 

Emotional Abuse is dangerous; it’s as harmful as physical abuse. It can whip your life away in one fell swoop. 

I have a You Tube Diary on the story and ongoing processes to keep my home that might give other people in similar position spirit to find a way to keep their home. 

This is my Voice  full blog.

KBC Bank Ireland This is my voice; Up date You Tube

After Emotional Abuse.

~ Patricia Tsouros ~ Leave a comment

photo Heal

From The Narcissism Book of Quotes:

“One of the very difficult things to deal with after being the victim of a Narcissist is that most people will not want to believe what happened to you, even if they saw it with their own eyes.

Narcissist abuse can be most insidious. The abuser takes precautions so that there are no witnesses or hard evidence. He’ll tell others that he is being victimized and that the real victim’s reactions to his abuse are unprovoked and malicious or “irrational.” Destroying his target while attracting the attention he craves is a game to the the narcissist; one he enjoys and plays with confidence. A “normal” person is easy prey to a skilled and experienced manipulator lacking a moral conscience.

“[They] count on our shame to keep their secrets. They know that exposing them means exposing our own failings. That’s what makes them so powerful. They manipulate us into these situations then sit back and watch us squirm between protecting ourselves or blowing the whistle.”

The seasoned abuser is also highly selective. He will target people, like predators in the animal world who concentrate their efforts on prey that is separate from the herd, he is likely to choose someone who in whom he can sense vulnerability.

Emotional abuse is the most common form of abuse – and yet least talked about.

Unlike physical or sexual abuse, where a single incident constitutes abuse, emotional abuse is made up of a series of incidents, or a pattern of behavior that occurs over time. Emotional abuse is more than just verbal insults, the most common definition of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a series of repeated incidents – whether intentional or not – that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates, and control, deceit.

I have taken the stand to share details about my mental abuse and the impact of that on my life. I believe that it’s important that if we have the strength and support to tell your story honestly then we owe it to all those who are suffering  in silence, for what ever reason, to do so.

Emotional abuse comes in many forms. Sometimes, it’s years worth of a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife wearing you down; sometimes, it’s a romantic entanglement that takes a turn into this dangerous territory; it can even come in teenage dating. Whatever abuse you have suffered, you can begin to overcome the effects you’ve suffered today.

Why Am I Struggling to Move On After Abuse?7

Leaving an abusive relationship can be one of the hardest things a person does. But even after your abuser is out of your life, sometimes the emotional and mental effects from experiencing abuse can linger on. You may experience feelings of depression, guilt, anger, loss and even symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder:

  • Anxiety
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Being easily frightened or scared
  • Avoiding of stressful triggers that remind you of abuse
  • Difficulty maintaining relationships
  • Feeling emotionally numb

There is no one way to feel or heal after you leave an abusive relationship.

It may be hard to stop thinking about your old relationship. You may still think about the little comments that your he said to break you down, make you feel worthless or to make you think that you didn’t deserve better. You may even think about the nice things that they said and the good times that you had with them.

One of my number of times I tried to end it.
One of a few Attempts to End it.

Being in an abusive relationship, or leaving and getting back together more than once (which is very common) can hurt your self-esteem and make you doubt yourself. If you’re feeling bad, you may even question your decision to leave in the first place. The important thing to remember is that you did leave or found a way out and that took a lot of strength. Now it is time to channel your courage into healing and getting back to being a happy and healthy you.

The first step toward recovering from any type of traumatic experience is re-establishing your sense of safety. This means feeling confident that your ex won’t harm you anymore (whether that’s by cutting off contact, or even moving) and beginning to find stability in everyday life. Stability looks different for different people.

Second, give yourself some time to grieve. It’s normal to feel sad or angry for a while. It’s important to let yourself experience those feelings and to let them out, rather than bottling them up. There are lots of healthy ways you can do this — journaling, writing poetry or songs, creating art, exercising or dancing. In addition to being expressive, all of these activities can slowly help to restore your sense of power over your own life. They can remind you of your strengths and the beautiful things you are capable of creating.

Finally, you reconnect with ordinary life (in my case that’s still in the works, so take your time and don’t rush it ). It can be difficult to remember what life was like before an abusive relationship. You may feel emotionally closed off, and it can be hard to trust people again. Your ex-partner may have even physically isolated you from your friends and family, and you feel you have no one to turn to or that nobody could understand what you have been through.

There are always people to help. Remember psychotherapists understand all about emotional abuse and can be an enormous help to your recovery.

You Deserve to Feel Great

Although it may difficult, this is the time that you need to focus on you and your own happiness. You never did anything to cause this and you deserve to be happy and feel safe.

What you went through is not who you are.

Healing is a process and through it, you will remember how strong, capable and extraordinary you really are. You will have good and bad times, but every day free from abuse is another piece of yourself that you get back and, eventually, those pieces will come together.

Best of Luck and if you need  to ask me anything please don’t hesitate to send me an email in complete confidentiality with the form below;

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