The time had come for two hearts to go their own way.
It wasn’t sad; it wasn’t angry; just profoundly honest;
Kiss,love in the heat of the night
In the whirlwind of young life
Their love sudden
He blew her away
She caught his breath
The lust explosive
Captivated by each others touch
Living the dream
Fancy London apartment
Chanel and Bottega Veneta
Cap D Antibes
Woke to keys of an MG
Squealed with delighted
Vodka and Wine
Yet in the depth of this life
Fighting to be free
To own their souls
Losing sight of love
The power of another life
Kept them chained
In the birth of her breath
It came to an end
The legacy off their passion
A sparkling spirit
In the shadow of that spirit
Never to know
The geniuses of
Her soul
No captured memories
His dying voice
Silent to her life
The sound of the train as it passes by
Peaceful afternoon walk
The cottage walls and porches
Image Patricia Tsouros
Flourish of colour
Enwreathed with ivy green
Bellflowers, hollyhocks, hydrangea
Scents of lavender and sage
Evoke
Memories of childhood days
Visiting grandparents cottages
One in the Irish Wicklow mountains
The other in the suburbs of Athens city
The free flowing sound of the river
Smoke billowing from chimneys
The cottages have no pretense or grandeur
Just a sanctuary of comfort in the silence of the lane
Reaching the darkest corner of the soul
I sit here alone
wondering where my life is
where it all went wrong
despair haunts me
how I got involved
why I lost what love is
The days go on
just one at a time
waiting for the
goodbye to all the anxiety
to anger with myself
for surely I have suffered enough
through all these months
left unprotected
so lost
lost by your embrace
haunted by your words
I search around everywhere
for the passion and hopes of life
searching for the day chaos
no longer in my head
perhaps I won’t feel so lost
I feel I am finding my way
Then
I want to scream..all I want to do is scream
I want my anger to go away
but its like a blazing flame
I want my despair to leave me
but I am drowning in pain
I want my sanity back
but I don’t know where to find it
I knew something was not right. I went in with a sledge hammer challenged the truth and you put the phone down. Me in London, You in Dublin. One day to our planned London Weekend.
I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wrecked me
I never meant to start a war I just wanted to know the truth I wanted you to tell the truth I couldn’t live a lie; I was running for my life
Paul, when you put the phone down on me on Wednesday night Oct 10th followed by a solicitor’s letter the following day, that was abuse. That letter was profoundly nasty. It was all a lie, just like, as I now know, the rest of our relationship was. You went to the Garda, anything just so I would not discover the truth.
Your abuse is not without it’s consequences. I needed you to tell me to talk to me. I don’t feel revenge, anger, hate; I just feel utter shock, used, physically abused and mostly devastation.
But you know what, it hurts like hell, but I will fight back and I will find my way out of this abuse. I find it hard to believe you want me to suffer like this. Now I know you ‘Fancied Me As Fuck’. Why not just be straight up? Why all the lies? Why not give me the chance to walk away when I wanted to?
I couldn’t be around you without feeling
as if my world was crashing down.
Twice I walked away but you kept
holding onto me.
Your love dominating,
controlling, and reckless.
For us both ‘WE’ became an addiction.
Our physical connection creating a real
emotional entanglement.
The intimacy escalated not with your love
and respect rather with your insatiable sexual
desires and deceit.
You came closer to me than anyone ever had.
To say that we were totally engaged,
consumed with each other would gravely understate
what you did not only to my body, but also to my soul.
It was a crazy love.
When your presence met mine
I’d forgotten the meaning of peace of mind.
Self-respect had flown away, integrity fallen by the wayside.
I didn’t know who I was with you.
I didn’t know who I was without you.
Yet, I couldn’t leave…
Even though deep in my unconscious I knew ‘WE’ were wrong.
My addiction wouldn’t let me go, your addiction wouldn’t let me go.
And I stayed…
Your behavior came so close to crushing my spirit, my will to live.
In your compulsion to protect your deception you abandoned me,
my life hanging on by a thread, I could not sleep or eat, I could not breathe.
It was like being in a coma that I was fighting to survive.
With intensive professional help
I was forced out of the coma. I survived.
Now I see
I stayed, not because I loved you
I stayed because I didn’t love me.
Passion kept me bound.
Truth be told, to be totally honest
I stayed out of fear, fear of missing the passion.
But now I know I’d rather be alone… than
shackled by the anguish and drama you swore was love.
As the synapses of my brain reconnect,
the evidence of controlling emotional abuse,
of possessive manipulation, overwhelms my mind and body.
I see now I wasn’t built, wasn’t ready to understand
your type of love.
I can’t deal, can’t bear, don’t deserve,
your emotional betrayal and abuse.
I have kept your secret for you to tell.
A secret I will never betray.
Now no longer together
locked in by your silence,
perpetuating the manipulation,
forever destined in your secret,
your abuse continues.
You knocked
I opened the door, in you came.
At first you felt safe
as you settled in, familiarised yourself
with my space
with my most intimate belongings.
Then you slowly but determinedly vandalised my space.
I asked you to stop, to leave.
Each time you went out the front door
you insidiously returned when I was not looking
through the back door
You burglarised my heart, my soul, my mind.
Your lies and deception became my superglue
You knew it and you abused it.
I wasn’t swift enough to get away.
At first we were easy, as time went on
a knot formed in my stomach.
Tightening and tightening
I never knew what was next.
You locked me into your deception.
Fierce enough to keep me where you wanted
As you wanted.
You walked away no better than a con-artist
A thief
A thief of my heart, my soul, my mind
You know what you did
Now I see it clearly
I will take you on
As I find my feet again
And regain my space
My resolve
To face you in a court of law
To challenge your abuse of my soul and mind.
When you step on my dreams
There will be days like these
In the depth of the night
I feel your hand embrace my neck
Stroke my back
Your loving arms secure me
You take my hand in yours
You whisper in my ear
I am here with you
I won’t let you die
I roll over
Open my eyes
I am alone
I want the world to know
To know
The empty promises you made
I am not afraid to bare my scares
I am heartbroken
Not by the end of us
Heartbroken by the deception
Heartbroken by the illusion of the impossible
How you lead me to believe
With words and love
That you were all I needed
That I was all you wanted
Broken trust and broken faith
Betrayed in the hardest way
I know today
I have a rocky road to walk
I am not afraid to tell the world
You hurt me through and through
I to destroyed so many trusts
You had my soul
I feel no shame in
Telling all
The rocky road ahead
I will walk with
My head held high
My intellect intact
If not my soul
My vulnerability there for all to see
My weakness and your strength
A vulnerability captured in destruction
Caught up in confusion
In the depth of the night
I feel your lips on mine
I am wrapped in your embrace
You whisper
I love you
I will catch you
When you fall
I open my eyes
I am alone
When you step on my dreams
There will be days like these
The wind in my hair, latte in my hand, deserted streets,
6am briefings
at the Westbury Hotel.
I was somewhere I had never been before.
Moments of passion so easily shared.
And so the journey began.
When fears of truth were hidden
and wishful dreams were spoken
believing in the destiny of greatness.
Unwavering faith
In the chorus of warnings
I battled your place with me
Bold and revolutionary
No one would take this away from us
Your look into my eyes
holding my heart
my dreams
Every beautiful kiss
breath
blazing seduction devouring me.
I took you deep inside me
I was yours
I felt your lips on my skin
I shuddered
My life turned upside down
The wind in my hair, latte in my hand, deserted streets,
6am briefing
At the Westbury Hotel
I was somewhere I had never been before.
Moments of passion so easily shared.
And so the journey continues.
Your Containment of deception
delivered like a Shakespearean play.
My world as I knew it swept utterly away from my sight, further and further, day by day , it was simply an appalling act of losing my life.
Suddenly
My world stood still
The deception realized your thundering storm tearing me down.
the madness exposed, left alone in a lie.
The illusion crashing in a blazing fall
in a battlefield I had not excepted.
Now misguided reckless anger
Ink to paper, an avalanche of betrayal.
Watching the emotions
the shallow breathe of life.
All the hours of the day
haunted by self-doubt.
Two forces so strong
but just one truth
Yesterdays fiber now just a memory
So many things I never knew, foolishly stumbling in
Memories of passion so easily shared.
Wind in my hair, latte in my hand, deserted streets,
6am briefings at the Westbury hotel.
The story ended just as it had begun
in a flash of a moment.
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