Then – I want to Scream

 Image: Ed Hodgkinson
Image: Ed Hodgkinson

I sit here alone
wondering where my life is
where it all went wrong
despair haunts me
how I got involved
why I lost what love is

The days go on
just one at a time
waiting for the
goodbye to all the anxiety
to anger with myself
for surely I have suffered enough
through all these months

left unprotected
so lost
lost by your embrace
haunted by your words
I search around everywhere
for the passion and hopes of life
searching for the day chaos
no longer in my head
perhaps I won’t feel so lost

I feel I am finding my way


I want to scream..all I want to do is scream
I want my anger to go away
but its like a blazing flame
I want my despair to leave me
but I am drowning in pain
I want my sanity back
but I don’t know where to find it

Fancy As Fuck


Fancy As Fuck

I knew something was not right. I went in with a sledge hammer challenged the truth and you put the phone down. Me in London, You in Dublin. One day to our planned London Weekend.

I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wrecked me

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted to know the truth
I wanted you to tell the truth
I couldn’t live a lie; I was running for my life

Paul, when you put the phone down on me on Wednesday night Oct 10th followed by a solicitor’s letter the following day, that was abuse. That letter was profoundly nasty. It was all a lie, just like, as I now know, the rest of our relationship was. You went to the Garda, anything just so I would not discover the truth.

Your abuse is not without it’s consequences. I needed you to tell me to talk to me. I don’t feel revenge, anger, hate; I just feel utter shock, used, physically abused and mostly devastation.

But you know what, it hurts like hell, but I will fight back and I will find my way out of this abuse. I find it hard to believe you want me to suffer like this. Now I know you ‘Fancied Me As Fuck’. Why not just be straight up? Why all the lies? Why not give me the chance to walk away when I wanted to?

Hazy Glance

all consuming
all consuming

A hot summers day
Hazy glance thought the window
I lived my life for him, with him
He was all consuming
I was finding it harder and harder to cope
I pleaded
“i can’t cope anymore with all the lies, your overwhelming intensity, your needs, the sex, i feel i am losing my life.”
“i need to try and find my feet again and my life. what do we do if we continue, it can’t continue like this.”
He said “you will attempt suicide over me, stay with me” “we should die rather than not be together.”

Just Words


Crazy passion fast deep soul kiss warnings word breathe reckless love devastated desk art struggle pinstripe attempts drunk ghost lost wind beauty hunger soul smile elegance latte knowing containment bond ink shallow identity measure chaos stumbling darling life dance frenzy sweat hole paper haunted only flashbacks sexual vandalized scars Achilles proceedings bare deep still pain inside lied courts darkness wind step empty rocky soul whisper eyes alone wrapped inside Athens love smile abuse truth lies time mind bungalow knowing liar violated Pandora’s entanglement flashbacks sexual self-preservation private suit weakness baklava hide lips fucking played deserve hold earth destruction haunted coffin judgment dreams hands eternity sleep sunset lips hidden kissed desire champagne stars taint lovers fallen what fuck PR glistening intense echoes seeing taste depth care finally beach rolling salt binding heat lost room quietly resumed park come believe myself arms world you skin love stranger now struggle

Compelation of words from all my poems.



Our private bungalow
Leading to the private beach
On the Saronic Gulf
Turquoise water
The smell of pine trees
Chilled Champagne
No one else just us
Totally alone for five days
Mesmerised by the Sunio Sunset
The vibrancy of the Plaka
Danced to the early hours
Under the Island stars
Ate Moussaka and Baklava
We talked and talked
No phones
No net
Nothing, no one just us
We held hands
Like young lovers
We shared intimacies
Never done before
I believed your words
Your intimacy
Your need for me
Your desire
Your love
And then
In the darkness
Of our room
A Stranger
And the struggle began

I gave you my love
You took that trust
You tore me apart
Filled my head with all your lies
Abused my passion
To suit what you wanted
My life rearranged
You manipulated how I saw myself
How I saw others
You played with my feelings
You abused my anxieties
Made it hard to be with anyone else
You took away my faith in life
A Stranger in the room

The poetry on the dysfunctional,aberrant,destructive relationship with Paul Allen was the catalyst for the blog On The Edge a personal Psychological Thriller, which to date has over 90,000 readers. This poem relates directly to this post Micro Chapter 1, Athens, July 2012

The Pain of Abuse – Bound in your Secret

photo Anja Niemi
I couldn’t be around you without feeling
as if my world was crashing down.
Twice I walked away but you kept
holding onto me.
Your love dominating,
controlling, and reckless.

For us both ‘WE’ became an addiction.
Our physical connection creating a real
emotional entanglement.
The intimacy escalated not with your love
and respect rather with your insatiable sexual
desires and deceit.
You came closer to me than anyone ever had.
To say that we were totally engaged,
consumed with each other would gravely understate
what you did not only to my body, but also to my soul.
It was a crazy love.

When your presence met mine
I’d forgotten the meaning of peace of mind.
Self-respect had flown away, integrity fallen by the wayside.
I didn’t know who I was with you.
I didn’t know who I was without you.
Yet, I couldn’t leave…
Even though deep in my unconscious I knew ‘WE’ were wrong.
My addiction wouldn’t let me go, your addiction wouldn’t let me go.
And I stayed…
Your behavior came so close to crushing my spirit, my will to live.
In your compulsion to protect your deception you abandoned me,
my life hanging on by a thread, I could not sleep or eat, I could not breathe.
It was like being in a coma that I was fighting to survive.
With intensive professional help
I was forced out of the coma. I survived.

Now I see
I stayed, not because I loved you
I stayed because I didn’t love me.
Passion kept me bound.
Truth be told, to be totally honest
I stayed out of fear, fear of missing the passion.
But now I know I’d rather be alone… than
shackled by the anguish and drama you swore was love.
As the synapses of my brain reconnect,
the evidence of controlling emotional abuse,
of possessive manipulation, overwhelms my mind and body.
I see now I wasn’t built, wasn’t ready to understand
your type of love.
I can’t deal, can’t bear, don’t deserve,
your emotional betrayal and abuse.
I have kept your secret for you to tell.
A secret I will never betray.
Now no longer together
locked in by your silence,
perpetuating the manipulation,
forever destined in your secret,
your abuse continues.

When I was not looking.

You knocked
I opened the door, in you came.
At first you felt safe
as you settled in, familiarised yourself
with my space
with my most intimate belongings.
Then you slowly but determinedly vandalised my space.
I asked you to stop, to leave.
Each time you went out the front door
you insidiously returned when I was not looking
through the back door

You burglarised my heart, my soul, my mind.
Your lies and deception became my superglue
You knew it and you abused it.
I wasn’t swift enough to get away.

At first we were easy, as time went on
a knot formed in my stomach.
Tightening and tightening
I never knew what was next.
You locked me into your deception.
Fierce enough to keep me where you wanted
As you wanted.
You walked away no better than a con-artist
A thief
A thief of my heart, my soul, my mind
You know what you did

Now I see it clearly
I will take you on
As I find my feet again
And regain my space
My resolve
To face you in a court of law
To challenge your abuse of my soul and mind.