Shades of Danger & Adventure

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“There were many shades in the danger of adventures and gales, most of which were exhilarating and golden. It is only now and then that there appears on the face of facts a sinister violence of intention- that indefinable something which forces it upon the mind and the heart. It is this complication of incidents, or these elemental furies are coming at me with a purpose of malice, with a strength beyond control, with an unbridled cruelty. And this means it tears out my hope and passion. MY pain of fatigue and longing for rest targets destruction annihilates all I can see, known, loved, enjoyed, or hated; all that is priceless and necessary- the sunshine, the memories, the future. My precious world as I knew it sweeps utterly away from my sight, further and further as each day goes by, it’s simply an appalling act of losing my life.”

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adapted  Joseph Conrad, Lord Jim 

artist: John Lijo Bluefish

My Home


If I had a serious illness, my phone would ring, my friends would call around, bring me lots of comforts and inspirational comments to help me cope and believe in my survival of the disease encompassing my body. But losing my life to deceit, my whole world falling apart, losing my home, my sanctuary, my peace of mind does not extract the same care or sympathy, or compassion. But I can tell you I am on the same pathway of suffering and pain. My home is no longer my prerogative. I did not ask for this, I did not plan for this, it came to me like a silent bullet. What makes a physical illness different to my position is that no one can openly see it.

So what is my position?

In a split moment on a Wednesday evening, I find that KBC Bank is going to the courts to take a repossession order on my home. A disclosure that rocked me to my core. Emotional Abuse ends in many ways. The mortgage payments were not being fulfilled unbeknownst to me resulting in the repossession order, and it was presented to me as a fete comply.    

The scars from mental cruelty are profound and probably more long-lasting than wounds from punches or slaps but are not seen or recognized as a broken arm, or black eye is.  Often my narration of my experiences has been denied, trivialized, or distorted. The wounds of my heart and the scars on my mind are bottomless. Now the potential of losing my home is the hardest punch of all.   My connection to my home is the first thread in my life. My home is part of my self-definition, my identity,  it defines the line between me and my surroundings, it is my shrine of peace.  It’s more than a sheltering roof and embracing walls. It is the core of my being, my soul, my lifeblood. I always have been a home bird. Travel has been a big part of my life mostly due to work and at the core of those days was knowing I would return to the soulfulness of my home.  So losing my home is not about bricks and mortar, it’s about my soul.  

There are many descriptions of the soul and here is mine.  My soul senses the force; that animates my thoughts, words, and actions. It is the wisdom that shapes this animating force into patterns of experience. In the depths of my home, my soul is still and boundless. It flows in a countless variety of emotions and thoughts that glue my mind to my body, my body to my home and my home to my life. 

Emotional Abuse is dangerous; it’s as harmful as physical abuse. It can whip your life away in one fell swoop. 

I have a You Tube Diary on the story and ongoing processes to keep my home that might give other people in similar position spirit to find a way to keep their home. 

This is my Voice  full blog.

KBC Bank Ireland This is my voice; Up date You Tube

The Wind in My Hairstyle

The wind in my hair, latte in my hand, deserted streets,
6am briefings
at the Westbury Hotel.
I was somewhere I had never been before.
Moments of passion so easily shared.
And so the journey began.
When fears of truth were hidden
and wishful dreams were spoken
believing in the destiny of greatness.

Unwavering faith
In the chorus of warnings
I battled your place with me
Bold and revolutionary
No one would take this away from us

Your look into my eyes

holding my heart

my dreams

Every beautiful kiss


blazing seduction devouring me.

I took you deep inside me

I was yours

I felt your lips on my skin

I shuddered

My life turned upside down

The wind in my hair, latte in my hand, deserted streets,
6am briefing
At the Westbury Hotel
I was somewhere I had never been before.
Moments of passion so easily shared.
And so the journey continues.

Your Containment of deception
delivered like a Shakespearean play.

My world as I knew it swept utterly away from my sight, further and further, day by day , it was simply an appalling act of losing my life.


My world stood still

The deception realized your thundering storm tearing me down.
the madness exposed, left alone in a lie.

The illusion crashing in a blazing fall
in a battlefield I had not excepted.

Now misguided reckless anger
Ink to paper, an avalanche of betrayal.
Watching the emotions
the shallow breathe of life.
All the hours of the day
haunted by self-doubt.

Two forces so strong
but just one truth
Yesterdays fiber now just a memory

So many things I never knew, foolishly stumbling in
Memories of passion so easily shared.
Wind in my hair, latte in my hand, deserted streets,
6am briefings at the Westbury hotel.
The story ended just as it had begun
in a flash of a moment.