Lightning flashed, blinded my trusting eyes. Thunder ravaged my soul and forced out my cries.
Deadly winds ripped me all apart. Tears like monsoon rains that flooded my heart.
Dark clouds ever-present in turbulent air, now brightened in the curve of a rainbow.
The Storm passed, the ravaged debris yesterday’s view, as the sun’s rays now light down a new path for me.
It’s a path on which I can feel the softness of the grass creeping through the cracks. Free from the solitude of despair, I can once again tune back into my love of dogs, this time with my two babes Olliepop and DianaRoss.
In their mystery, filled with joy that strikes like happiness lightning, liberated from the tuneless and crippling feelings that have haunted my life for far too long I cuddle them lovingly.
Olliepop & eight week old DianaRoss.
“Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.”
Paul Allen PR and I faced each other in Court on Tuesday December 16 2014: Here is the final outcome of that case.
IT’S A RAP
Friday 1 May 2015
Somewhere between where I started and right now you caught my eye. Now all I can see is the distance between you and me.
The evening sun streams into my courtyard. Sitting on a large rattan chair, sipping my latte, feeling the sun’s dying heat on my face and the cool breeze on my shoulders, I am absorbed in the stillness of the skyline. Life, for that brief moment, is suspended.
I hear my iPad, nestled by my side on the chair, ping. I glance at my email inbox; the new message is from my solicitor, telling me Paul Allen has paid up the money owed in accordance with the court agreement. It’s the end of the road, the last page of our tempestuous ‘love’ story.
For a few minutes, I am elated. Suddenly, caught off guard, my eyes well up with tears as I am wrenched back into the memory of the breakup, of the battle. I put my face in my hands and sob in relief that there is nothing left to be battered and bruised with. Read More: http://thesplit-up.com/its-a-rap-paul-allen-pr-patricia-tsouros-2/
“When my thoughts are hushed, they are not tranquil. I am restrained on the edge of panic. In a single heartbeat, a moment of realization washes over me, uprooting emotions of regret, anxiety and fear. All the psychedelic feelings in that single heartbeat form my silence.”
Writing is the memento of living on land, but wanting to fly in the air. Writing is my search for syllables to shoot at the fortification of the unknown and the unknowable. Writing is a haunting of the mind, a script telling how rainbows are made and how they fade away into the Eventide.
When the truth is bleak undress the sugar coated words and see the naked truth.
I write those words, and you know I die but I’ve died so often now.
#micropoetry
Patricia Standing – Nick Miller.
This is a watercolor painted in 2005 by Irish artist Nick Miller. It was exhibited at the Rubicon Gallery in 2006 as part of the Standing, Sitting, Lying exhibition of nudes by the artist.
Taken from an article Irish Independent:“I knew his portrait would be more abstract than glamorous and I liked that. It was also a great way to see exactly how an artist works.”
Paul Allen PR and I faced each other in Court on Tuesday December 16 2014. Here is the report on the outcome.
Paul Allen PR- report Sunday Times December 212014.
“For the last couple of years I have been in a tumble dry cycle – hurled around, hitting against the sides of drum, erratically lacerated, mangled, being knocked and jolted about some more, not knowing how bloody long the cycle would continue for or where the next blow would come from. Then suddenly, intermittently, the cycle stops. I violently jolt to a screaming halt…………. I am knocked senseless by it; the trauma is so great, it’s unrelenting.
“For the last couple of years I have been in a tumble dry cycle – hurled around, hitting against the sides of drum, erratically lacerated, mangled, being knocked and jolted about some more, not knowing how bloody long the cycle would continue for or where the next blow would come from. Then suddenly, intermittently, the cycle stops. I violently jolt to a screaming halt…………. I am knocked senseless by it; the trauma is so great, it’s unrelenting.
Thank you all for following Poetry on Life’s Journey. For giving me the inspiration to keep going.xx
Finally the court case took place and was settled, I am so satisfied I finally feel vindicated and validated.
Here is a video made up with words from my poems.
This is the first Poem I wrote after the break up.
‘Only Love
It began as a love story
Crazy days of faith, love and passion
We grew so close so fast You said we were soul mates for life I lost my world to you I trusted you with my deepest thoughts Most intimate moments My future Our future Bonded in the ebbs and flows We would make it together
As days became a lifetime
Unwavering faith In the chorus of warnings I battled your place with me Bold and revolutionary No one would take this away from us
But then you did You took it away Without a word You left me in a haze Took my breath away Your force so strong Chaos controlled my mind The lie so real My passion abused Reckless abandonment My faith, my love You did not face me You left me with nothing My life shattered
I wonder through my Art Profoundly A part of my life For the delights and hopes of life Seeing in them memories of intimate times Calming my fears, my sadness Evoking as only art can do The spirit in me to live again Desperate to know WHY I got lost in your deceit In your fucked up mind WHY You hunted me down And played me as a game WHY You ripped me apart WHY You crushed my soul,
I sit at my desk and find my dignity My strength But only for a moment
then
I want to scream..
All I want to do is scream I want my anger to go away its like a blazing flame I want my despair to leave me I am drowning in pain I want my sanity back I don’t know where to find it
So as I sum this up Go listen to our song Remember in your heart I gave you my heart and soul, my mind and body My life I believed in you I am wishing for you to stay strong Wish upon every star you see And if its meant to be it will come true… No more Crazy Days with You’
Persijn Broersen & Margit Lukács, Beyond Sunset and Sunrise
I felt my world unfolding
So confused
What was true?
What was right?
It was like a tsunami
Ripped through my life
I was drowning from the destruction
I found the way to save myself
I found the rock, the branch, to cling onto
To pull myself away
From the Ghost of the relationship
From the debris of
Pain
Poetry
I will not let go
My freedom to write about
The life that nearly ended mine
Beyond Sunset and Sunrise this
Is a fight I will never give up
“One of the very difficult things to deal with after being the victim of a Narcissist is that most people will not want to believe what happened to you, even if they saw it with their own eyes.
Narcissist abuse can be most insidious. The abuser takes precautions so that there are no witnesses or hard evidence. He’ll tell others that he is being victimized and that the real victim’s reactions to his abuse are unprovoked and malicious or “irrational.” Destroying his target while attracting the attention he craves is a game to the the narcissist; one he enjoys and plays with confidence. A “normal” person is easy prey to a skilled and experienced manipulator lacking a moral conscience.
“[They] count on our shame to keep their secrets. They know that exposing them means exposing our own failings. That’s what makes them so powerful. They manipulate us into these situations then sit back and watch us squirm between protecting ourselves or blowing the whistle.”
The seasoned abuser is also highly selective. He will target people, like predators in the animal world who concentrate their efforts on prey that is separate from the herd, he is likely to choose someone who in whom he can sense vulnerability.
Emotional abuse is the most common form of abuse – and yet least talked about.
Unlike physical or sexual abuse, where a single incident constitutes abuse, emotional abuse is made up of a series of incidents, or a pattern of behavior that occurs over time. Emotional abuse is more than just verbal insults, the most common definition of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a series of repeated incidents – whether intentional or not – that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates, and control, deceit.
I have taken the stand to share details about my mental abuse and the impact of that on my life. I believe that it’s important that if we have the strength and support to tell your story honestly then we owe it to all those who are suffering in silence, for what ever reason, to do so.
Emotional abuse comes in many forms. Sometimes, it’s years worth of a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife wearing you down; sometimes, it’s a romantic entanglement that takes a turn into this dangerous territory; it can even come in teenage dating. Whatever abuse you have suffered, you can begin to overcome the effects you’ve suffered today.
Why Am I Struggling to Move On After Abuse?
Leaving an abusive relationship can be one of the hardest things a person does. But even after your abuser is out of your life, sometimes the emotional and mental effects from experiencing abuse can linger on. You may experience feelings of depression, guilt, anger, loss and even symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder:
Anxiety
Trouble sleeping
Being easily frightened or scared
Avoiding of stressful triggers that remind you of abuse
Difficulty maintaining relationships
Feeling emotionally numb
There is no one way to feel or heal after you leave an abusive relationship.
It may be hard to stop thinking about your old relationship. You may still think about the little comments that your he said to break you down, make you feel worthless or to make you think that you didn’t deserve better. You may even think about the nice things that they said and the good times that you had with them.
One of a few Attempts to End it.
Being in an abusive relationship, or leaving and getting back together more than once (which is very common) can hurt your self-esteem and make you doubt yourself. If you’re feeling bad, you may even question your decision to leave in the first place. The important thing to remember is that you did leave or found a way out and that took a lot of strength. Now it is time to channel your courage into healing and getting back to being a happy and healthy you.
The first step toward recovering from any type of traumatic experience is re-establishing your sense of safety. This means feeling confident that your ex won’t harm you anymore (whether that’s by cutting off contact, or even moving) and beginning to find stability in everyday life. Stability looks different for different people.
Second, give yourself some time to grieve. It’s normal to feel sad or angry for a while. It’s important to let yourself experience those feelings and to let them out, rather than bottling them up. There are lots of healthy ways you can do this — journaling, writing poetry or songs, creating art, exercising or dancing. In addition to being expressive, all of these activities can slowly help to restore your sense of power over your own life. They can remind you of your strengths and the beautiful things you are capable of creating.
Finally, you reconnect with ordinary life (in my case that’s still in the works, so take your time and don’t rush it ). It can be difficult to remember what life was like before an abusive relationship. You may feel emotionally closed off, and it can be hard to trust people again. Your ex-partner may have even physically isolated you from your friends and family, and you feel you have no one to turn to or that nobody could understand what you have been through.
There are always people to help. Remember psychotherapists understand all about emotional abuse and can be an enormous help to your recovery.
You Deserve to Feel Great
Although it may difficult, this is the time that you need to focus on you and your own happiness. You never did anything to cause this and you deserve to be happy and feel safe.
What you went through is not who you are.
Healing is a process and through it, you will remember how strong, capable and extraordinary you really are. You will have good and bad times, but every day free from abuse is another piece of yourself that you get back and, eventually, those pieces will come together.
Best of Luck and if you need to ask me anything please don’t hesitate to send me an email in complete confidentiality with the form below;
Patriciatsourosblog 